It’s the 10th of December and I’m a few hours short of my 20th birthday. I unintentionally do this annual sort of thing around my birthday where I reflect on everything that has happened in the past and how I got myself to where I am today. I normally write it down on a piece of scrap paper or in the back of a text book but unfortunately I do not own either of those anymore (Which is sad and weird) So if you are reading this I have been writing my brutally honest reflections since I was 12 unfortunately I have either thrown away, burnt or lost most of my entries. So this year I decided to post this online so hopefully I don’t delete it before I get round to printing this. I will try and be as brutally honest with myself but I can’t promise any great description of adjectives going into detail of what I feel about myself and also it is really hard to say all these things about me knowing that it will be in a public forum.
So as I write this I am currently listening to the Pure Heroine by Lorde which does not help me feel younger or more youthful what so ever. I have one line reoccurring going through my head “It Feels So Scary Getting Old” Which for you non Lorde fans is the 4th track on the album called Ribs. While I’m talking about it I will just put it out there that this is one of the stand out albums for me this year.
To start off don’t get me wrong I don’t regret what has happened in the past but I do wonder if whether or not I have made the right decisions.
I think back to 3 years ago from right now… I know exactly what I was doing. I was working a Saturday night shift at my first job. I was surrounded by so many people who were like minded and for once in my life I didn’t feel out of place. Around that time (Not necessarily when I was waiting on tables and polishing forks) but sometime during that transition between 16 through to 17… that summer… It was perfect. I knew who i was and who i wanted to be, i was sure of myself and i didn’t feel the need to fake anything, i had dreams and aspirations, I felt inspired to be more and do more, i had a great group of friends who really cared about me and I had a summer love that to this day i haven’t been able to get away from (although back then he sweet and he cared… hes not so much like that anymore) Anyway like i was saying it was everything you could ever really dream of being a 16/17 year old girl. It was perfect and it was all I really wanted. I was having the time of my life and I had everything in the palm of my hand. So i often think where did I go wrong?
Since then I have overcome so many mental barriers. It’s crazy. I bottled so much up after that summer that the winter took me piece by piece and I never allowed myself to get over certain people or certain relationships. That when everything for me did start to crash down around me it became too much for me to handle.
Its 2 years now since I first started to realise that things inside my head where not right. Amazingly it still affects me today. These past 2 years have been me time to recover myself.
I isolated myself using my family move as a good excuse.
There are people who were once friends that I pushed away when I was sick because I didn’t want them to see me struggling. I didn’t want them to see me trying to keep myself together when all I wanted was not wake up in the morning. They don’t know this and I know they would understand if I told them but I think it’s been too long and I try… I try really hard. But they never get back to me or they’re too busy. At the time I didn’t realise that my isolation would end up affecting them just as much as it affected me. I wish I could tell them this. There’s one person in particular… but after everything. I don’t know if she will listen.
There are also other friends that I didn’t shut out but they stopped trying.
So for me I have a small… and I mean very small circle of friends that I am all very thankful for. but this ultimately makes me really upset because I have lost so many people around me that every time i fall i have less and less people around to help me back up again
I have to thank the people who are there for me and stick by me because of these people I think they have helped me more then they probably realise.
It’s only now that I am beginning to feel again. I’m starting to feel confident and I hope like hell that “I’m getting my swagger back”. I’m over always feeling down and these days I tend to have more and more days where I’m dancing around my reality which in some ways isn’t a bad thing. It gives me hope because being honest I am more fragile than I ever have been in my life. I am also very cautious about everyone and everything. I put every word under a microscope to try and find out peoples intentions and for a long time I forgot that sometimes people don’t need ulterior motives when they’re nice to you. I get caught up on this often.
My insecurities are on an all-time high and I try my best to keep them in check and deal with them. But every day I look in the mirror it’s a constant reminder of everything that is wrong with me. I am thankful that I have this love for food and carbs otherwise I would be living a really unhealthy life.
I think what has changed is that I listen to my conscience and not my gut. I should start listening to my gut feeling again because everything was good when I did and it didn’t go wrong. Although I don’t know if things would have been different or anything would be better in key moments of the last 3 years if I had of listened to my gut and not my head. But I wonder how different decisions could have affected me.
I hope that next year I can find myself again. I know I’m half way there I can feel myself coming back to the surface and all this bitterness is starting to tear away at he edges and my shell is slowly coming undone. But I’m lost and I’m alone.
The next year is going to be year and I’m going to regain my title and I’m going to regain myself and more.
SO as my last piece of writing as a teenager…
I should thank my teenage years for teaching me so many life lessons.
But it’s now time to embrace that this is my new beginning.
I feel like every so often i dance around reality and it teases me about what life could be like. I don’t know how to get there and how to gain it and keep it.
I feel lost…
I live in my little box but what happens when that box is clear and you can see how everyone else outside of your box lives. The box I live in is fully sealed and is slowly suffocating me.
What would you do?